New Covenant Principles on Giving Pt. 1

Taken from my sermon on Malachi 3:6-12 entitled “Whole-Hearted Giving”. Click here to listen. 

Old Covenant Law-Giving

Old Covenant Law required upwards of 25% of an Israelites income for tithes and offerings. God’s objective in this was at least twofold:

1. provide for the ministry of the temple and worship,

2. to obliterate the strong hold money wants to have on His people’s soul. 

New Covenant Grace-Giving

The New Covenant has a different approach to giving. Let’s call this “Grace-Giving” as opposed to “Law Giving”. Grace is about generosity that mirrors God’s generosity. Grace-Giving is about you and me managing God’s assets according to His prescribed way, which directly reflects His character. His character is unchangeably and excessively, willfully, and gladly generous. Therefore, we as managers of God’s money, are called to be “excessively, willfully, and gladly generous”.  When the world sees our generosity, they should see a reflection of the excessive, willful, and glad generosity of God, who gave His first, best, and only Son Jesus, willingly and gladly.

Statistically, most believers in Jesus give what I will call “Mercy-Giving”. This means they are not asking, “How can I best reflect God’s character through excessive, willful, and glad giving?” Mercy-Giving means they are leaning on God’s mercy and asking, “What is the least I can give to God to feel the least guilt and retain the most amount of money to maintain or raise my standard of living?”  

So What?

Dave Ramsey asks the question: “What could the people of God do for the Kingdom of God if they were debt free?” How about this question: “What could the people of God do for the Kingdom of God if the people of God gave excessively, willfully, and gladly to the Kingdom of Go first?” A lot more than we do now. 

A Practical Theology of Singleness Pt. 2

1. Be Focused 

29 This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, 30 and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, 31 and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away. Make the aim of your relationship reflecting the Gospel in how you relate to each other, serve the church, and rescue the lost. – 1 Cor. 7:29-31

2. Be anxious about the Lord!

[32] I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. [33] But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, [34] and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. [35] I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.  1 Corinthians 7:32-35

3. Date & Get engaged purposely (Mal 2:12)

[36] If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. [37] But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. [38] So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better. – 1 Corinthians 7:36-38

4. Only date strong Christians

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? – 2 Corinthians 6:14

               Ridiculous Things people say – “The Yoke Detector”

1. “They say they are a Christian.”
2. “They just trusted in Christ! Isn’t that so excited.”
3. “They grew up in a Christian home.”
4. “They go to church.”
5. “I think they’re a Christian? I don’t know, I haven’t really talked to them about it.”
6. “It’s not like were getting married.”

5. Be Pure – Sexually & Morally

[3] For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; [4] that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, [5] not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; [6] that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. [7] For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. [8] Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. – 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. – Song of Solomon 3:5

A Practical Theology of Singleness Pt. 1

The  points below are from a sermon entitled “Whole-Hearted Singleness”. Here are seven Biblical truths about singleness to help develop a biblical worldview on the oh-so-relevant subject. Click to for a link to the sermon.

____________

1. Singleness is hard 

Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” – Genesis 2:1

2. Marriage is about Christ & the church & it is temporary. 

34 And Jesus said to them, “The sons of this age marry and are given in marriage, 35 but those who are considered worthy to attain to that age and to the resurrection from the dead neither marry nor are given in marriage, 36 for they cannot die anymore, because they are equal to angels and are sons of God, being sons of the resurrection. – Luke 20:34-36

- When we make the shadow the substance we miss the whole point.

3. Singleness is a gift, not a curse!

6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. 8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. -  1 Cor 7:6-9

- I am single not because of sin but cause of Gods will.

- Like any gift. Singleness is a stewardship & you are accountable for this season of your life!

4. Some people even choose singleness

For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it. – Matthew 19:12

5. Greater blessings than family & children are promised

4 For thus says the LORD: “To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths, who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant, 5 I will give in my house and within my walls a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off. – Isaiah 56:4-5

- Regeneration, not procreation is how Jesus builds the church

6. Jesus Blood is thicker than my blood

- “Being in a human family is no sign of eternal blessing, being in a spiritual family is the greatest blessing.” – John Piper

- “I’ve given you the ocean & you’re begging for a droplet of water.”

7. Jesus was single. Paul was single. Enough said.

What is mature, Biblical hope & why you may not have it?

(This post is from my sermon on Micah 4 on January 22nd, 2012)

Hope = unshakable & effectual confidence & optimism in God despite…

Let’s break it down: Biblical Hope is

1. Adj. “unshakable“. Mature, Biblical hope does not come and go. It is there. It does not waver or leave. It is firmly planted despite the force of the winds of tragedy that blow on our lives. A spiritual or emotional hurricane cannot move the person planted with Biblical hope.

2. Adj. “effectual“. Mature, Biblical hope is not simply something unseen, it is visible & has real-time emotional, physical, & verbal symptoms. When our hope’s quality & maturity are tested, it will be perceived by all through our emotional state (emotions), body language (physical), & our commentary (verbal) on our present sufferings.

3. Noun. “confidence“. Mature, Biblical hope culminates in unshakable & effectual confidence. Confidence is indeed reflected in our emotions, our physical appearance, and through our words. The object of our confidence is of great significance, though. Only one thing is worthy of our confidence: God!

4. Noun. “optimism“. Mature, Biblical hope culminates in unshakable & effectual optimism. Many are confident but still somewhat pessimistic toward the near future. Biblical hope has optimism for both the distant and immediate future.  Optimistic hope is not looking for the release of our pain in the near future, but is optimistic that God will grant all grace necessary in Jesus to endure WHATSOEVER He brings so that we might show forth His grace to both suffer and be content.

5. Prep. Phrase. “in God“. Mature, Biblical hope is capable of being unshakable, effectual, confident, and optimistic because its object is the God who always comes through on His promises God has promised hope, therefore by faith I know God will come through.

6. Prep. “despite“. Mature, Biblical hope does not waver despite suffering, loss, tragedy, or pain. These are each pressure points that expose the quality & maturity of our hope. When pressured, mature & Biblical hope will decrease, but actually increase.

The Basis for Mature, Biblical Hope = 1. past reminders &  2. future promises. 

1. Past Reminders are threefold. First, we look to God’s faithfulness at the life, death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus. Second, we look to God’s faithfulness to His people in the Bible. Third, we look to God’s faithfulness in our lives and the lives of those we know and love.

2. Future promises are the Words of the Bible that speak to and deepen our certain hope in God despite…

What You Have Might Not Be Hope

For the American Church (or any believer living in any bit of political & economic comfort), sermons & messages of hope typically fall on emotionally numb ears. Inner responses to these sermons are typically not emotional or meaningful. Talk of our future hope, of Christ’s second coming, & of the New Heavens & the New Earth, etc., no matter the persuasiveness of the communicator, are rarely messages that leave us talking, thinking, or feeling unless it is to debate millennial views.

Why? Most think they have Biblical hope but in reality simply have comfort.  They are confident in the future not because of God’s past faithfulness and future promises, but because they have rarely experienced enough discomfort to pressure test the quality & maturity of their hope. The immaturity of our comfort (I mean hope) is not challenged until the bottom falls out. Comfort is not bad in and of itself, but is more times than not, like money to our worship, the enemy of hope.

Jesus gives hope & destroys the idol of comfort, most often through suffering that forces us to look back and look forward.

The Resolutions of Jonathan Edwards

(From my sermon on Nahum 1-3 on January 8th, 2012)

Being sensible that I am unable to do anything without God’s help, I do humbly entreat him by his grace to enable me to keep these Resolutions, so far as they are agreeable to his will, for Christ’s sake.

Remember to read over these Resolutions once a week.

Overall Life Mission

1. Resolved, that I will do whatsoever I think to be most to God’s glory, and my own good, profit and pleasure, in the whole of my duration, without any consideration of the time, whether now, or never so many myriad’s of ages hence. Resolved to do whatever I think to be my duty and most for the good and advantage of mankind in general. Resolved to do this, whatever difficulties I meet with, how many and how great soever.

2. Resolved, to be continually endeavoring to find out some new invention and contrivance to promote the aforementioned things.

3. Resolved, if ever I shall fall and grow dull, so as to neglect to keep any part of these Resolutions, to repent of all I can remember, when I come to myself again.

4. Resolved, never to do any manner of thing, whether in soul or body, less or more, but what tends to the glory of God; nor be, nor suffer it, if I can avoid it.

6. Resolved, to live with all my might, while I do live.

22. Resolved, to endeavor to obtain for myself as much happiness, in the other world, as I possibly can, with all the power; might, vigor, and vehemence, yea violence, I am capable of, or can bring myself to exert, in any way that can be thought of.

62. Resolved, never to do anything but duty; and then according to Eph. 6:6-8, do it willingly and cheerfully as unto the Lord, and not to man; “knowing that whatever good thing any man doth, the same shall he receive of the Lord.” June 25 and July 13, 1723.

Good Works

11. Resolved, when I think of any theorem in divinity to be solved, immediately to do what I can towards solving it, if circumstances don’t hinder.

13. Resolved, to be endeavoring to find out fit objects of charity and liberality.

69. Resolved, always to do that, which I shall wish I had done when I see others do it. Aug. 11, 1723.

Time Management

5. Resolved, never to lose one moment of time; but improve it the most profitable way I possibly can.

7. Resolved, never to do anything, which I should be afraid to do, if it were the last hour of my life.

17. Resolved, that I will live so as I shall wish I had done when I come to die.

18. Resolved, to live so at all times, as I think is best in my devout frames, and when I have clearest notions of things of the gospel, and another world.

19. Resolved, never to do anything, which I should be afraid to do, if I expected it would not be above an hour, before I should hear the last trump.

37. Resolved, to inquire every night, as I am going to bed, wherein I have been negligent, what sin I have committed, and wherein I have denied myself: also at the end of every week, month and year. Dec.22 and 26, 1722.

40. Resolved, to inquire every night, before I go to bed, whether I have acted in the best way I possibly could, with respect to eating and drinking. Jan. 7, 1723.

41. Resolved, to ask myself at the end of every day, week, month and year, wherein I could possibly in any respect have done better. Jan. 11, 1723.

50.Resolved, I will act so as I think I shall judge would have been best, and most prudent, when I come into the future world. July 5, 1723.

51.Resolved, that I will act so, in every respect, as I think I shall wish I had done, if I should at last be damned. July 8, 1723.

52. I frequently hear persons in old age say how they would live, if they were to live their lives over again: Resolved, that I will live just so as I can think I shall wish I had done, supposing I live to old age. July 8, 1723.

55. Resolved, to endeavor to my utmost to act as I can think I should do, if I had already seen the happiness of heaven, and hell torments. July 8, 1723.

61. Resolved, that I will not give way to that listlessness which I find unbends and relaxes my mind from being fully and fixedly set on religion, whatever excuse I may have for it-that what my listlessness inclines me to do, is best to be done, etc. May 21, and July 13, 1723.

Relationships

14. Resolved, never to do anything out of revenge.

15. Resolved, never to suffer the least motions of anger to irrational beings.

16. Resolved, never to speak evil of anyone, so that it shall tend to his dishonor, more or less, upon no account except for some real good.

31. Resolved, never to say anything at all against anybody, but when it is perfectly agreeable to the highest degree of Christian honor, and of love to mankind, agreeable to the lowest humility, and sense of my own faults and failings, and agreeable to the golden rule; often, when I have said anything against anyone, to bring it to, and try it strictly by the test of this Resolution.

33. Resolved, always to do what I can towards making, maintaining, establishing and preserving peace, when it can be without over-balancing detriment in other respects. Dec.26, 1722.

34. Resolved, in narration’s never to speak anything but the pure and simple verity.

36. Resolved, never to speak evil of any, except I have some particular good call for it. Dec. 19, 1722.

46. Resolved, never to allow the least measure of any fretting uneasiness at my father or mother. Resolved to suffer no effects of it, so much as in the least alteration of speech, or motion of my eve: and to be especially careful of it, with respect to any of our family.

58. Resolved, not only to refrain from an air of dislike, fretfulness, and anger in conversation, but to exhibit an air of love, cheerfulness and benignity. May27,and July 13, 1723.

59. Resolved, when I am most conscious of provocations to ill nature and anger, that I will strive most to feel and act good-naturedly; yea, at such times, to manifest good nature, though I think that in other respects it would be disadvantageous, and so as would be imprudent at other times. May 12, July ii,and July 13.

66. Resolved, that I will endeavor always to keep a benign aspect, and air of acting and speaking in all places, and in all companies, except it should so happen that duty requires otherwise.

70. Let there be something of benevolence, in all that I speak.

Suffering

9. Resolved, to think much on all occasions of my own dying, and of the common circumstances which attend death.

10. Resolved, when I feel pain, to think of the pains of martyrdom, and of hell.

67. Resolved, after afflictions, to inquire, what I am the better for them, what good I have got by them, and what I might have got by them.

57. Resolved, when I fear misfortunes and adversities, to examine whether ~ have done my duty, and resolve to do it; and let it be just as providence orders it, I will as far as I can, be concerned about nothing but my duty and my sin. June 9, and July 13 1723.

Character

8. Resolved, to act, in all respects, both speaking and doing, as if nobody had been so vile as I, and as if I had committed the same sins, or had the same infirmities or failings as others; and that I will let the knowledge of their failings promote nothing but shame in myself, and prove only an occasion of my confessing my own sins and misery to God.

12. Resolved, if I take delight in it as a gratification of pride, or vanity, or on any such account, immediately to throw it by.

21. Resolved, never to do anything, which if I should see in another, I should count a just occasion to despise him for, or to think any way the more meanly of him.

32. Resolved, to be strictly and firmly faithful to my trust, that that in Prov. 20:6, “A faithful man who can find?” may not be partly fulfilled in me.

47. Resolved, to endeavor to my utmost to deny whatever is not most agreeable to a good, and universally sweet and benevolent, quiet, peaceable, contented, easy, compassionate, generous, humble, meek, modest, submissive, obliging, diligent and industrious, charitable, even, patient, moderate, forgiving, sincere temper; and to do at all times what such a temper would lead me to. Examine strictly every week, whether I have done so. Sabbath morning. May 5,1723.

54. Whenever I hear anything spoken in conversation of any person, if I think it would be praiseworthy in me, Resolved to endeavor to imitate it. July 8, 1723.

63. On the supposition, that there never was to be but one individual in the world, at any one time, who was properly a complete Christian, in all respects of a right stamp, having Christianity always shining in its true luster, and appearing excellent and lovely, from whatever part and under whatever character viewed: Resolved, to act just as I would do, if I strove with all my might to be that one, who should live in my time. Jan.14′ and July ’3′ 1723.

27. Resolved, never willfully to omit anything, except the omission be for the glory of God; and frequently to examine my omissions.

39. Resolved, never to do anything that I so much question the lawfulness of, as that I intend, at the same time, to consider and examine afterwards, whether it be lawful or no; except I as much question the lawfulness of the omission.

20. Resolved, to maintain the strictest temperance in eating and drinking.

Spiritual Life

Assurance

25. Resolved, to examine carefully, and constantly, what that one thing in me is, which causes me in the least to doubt of the love of God; and to direct all my forces against it.

26. Resolved, to cast away such things, as I find do abate my assurance.

48. Resolved, constantly, with the utmost niceness and diligence, and the strictest scrutiny, to be looking into the state of my soul, that I may know whether I have truly an interest in Christ or no; that when I come to die, I may not have any negligence respecting this to repent of. May 26, 1723.

49. Resolved, that this never shall be, if I can help it.

The Scriptures

28. Resolved, to study the Scriptures so steadily, constantly and frequently, as that I may find, and plainly perceive myself to grow in the knowledge of the same.

Prayer

29. Resolved, never to count that a prayer, nor to let that pass as a prayer, nor that as a petition of a prayer, which is so made, that I cannot hope that God will answer it; nor that as a confession, which I cannot hope God will accept.

64. Resolved, when I find those “groanings which cannot be uttered” (Rom. 8:26), of which the Apostle speaks, and those “breakings of soul for the longing it hath,” of which the Psalmist speaks, Psalm 119:20, that I will promote them to the utmost of my power, and that I will not be wear’, of earnestly endeavoring to vent my desires, nor of the repetitions of such earnestness. July 23, and August 10, 1723.

The Lord’s Day

38. Resolved, never to speak anything that is ridiculous, sportive, or matter of laughter on the Lord’s day. Sabbath evening, Dec. 23, 1722.

Vivification of Righteousness

30. Resolved, to strive to my utmost every week to be brought higher in religion, and to a higher exercise of grace, than I was the week before.

42. Resolved, frequently to renew the dedication of myself to God, which was made at my baptism; which I solemnly renewed, when I was received into the communion of the church; and which I have solemnly re-made this twelfth day of January, 1722-23.

43. Resolved, never henceforward, till I die, to act as if I were any way my own, but entirely and altogether God’s, agreeable to what is to be found inSaturday, January 12. Jan.12, 1723.

44- Resolved, that no other end but religion, shall have any influence at all on any of my actions; and that no action shall be, in the least circumstance, any otherwise than the religious end will carry it. Jan.12, 1723.

45. Resolved, never to allow any pleasure or grief, joy or sorrow, nor any affection at all, nor any degree of affection, nor any circumstance relating to it, but what helps religion. Jan.12 and 13.1723.

Mortification of Sin and Self Examination

23. Resolved, frequently to take some deliberate action, which seems most unlikely to be done, for the glory of God, and trace it back to the original intention, designs and ends of it; and if I find it not to be for God’s glory, to repute it as a breach of the 4th Resolution.

24. Resolved, whenever I do any conspicuously evil action, to trace it back, till I come to the original cause; and then both carefully endeavor to do so no more, and to fight and pray with all my might against the original of it.

35. Resolved, whenever I so much question whether I have done my duty, as that my quiet and calm is thereby disturbed, to set it down, and also how the question was resolved. Dec. 18, 1722.

60. Resolved, whenever my feelings begin to appear in the least out of order, when I am conscious of the least uneasiness within, or the least irregularity without, I will then subject myself to the strictest examination.July 4, and 13, 1723.

68. Resolved, to confess frankly to myself all that which I find in myself, either infirmity or sin; and, if it be what concerns religion, also to confess the whole case to God, and implore needed help. July 23, and August 10, 1723.

56. Resolved, never to give over, nor in the least to slacken my fight with my corruptions, however unsuccessful I may be.

Communion with God

53. Resolved, to improve every opportunity, when I am in the best and happiest frame of mind, to cast and venture my soul on the Lord Jesus Christ, to trust and confide in him, and consecrate myself wholly to him; that from this I may have assurance of my safety, knowing that I confide in my Redeemer. July 8, 1723.

65. Resolved, very much to exercise myself in this all my life long, viz. with the greatest openness I am capable of, to declare my ways to God, and lay open my soul to him: all my sins, temptations, difficulties, sorrows, fears, hopes, desires, and every thing, and every circumstance; according to Dr. Manton’s 27th Sermon on Psalm 119. July 26, and Aug.10 1723.

Aug. 17, 1723

Why Your Personal Ministry May Be VERY Ineffective?

(from my sermon in Micah 1-3  at the Village Church on January 15th, 2012 )

“All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation” - 2 Corinthians 5:18 ESV

___________

Every believer in Jesus is saved not just FROM sin, but 1. TO a relationship WITH God & 2. TO participate WITH God in advancing His Kingdom. Cultivating our relationship with God is essential. I call this “developing intimacy with God”. But this is only one side of the coin. Now we are to participate WITH God through what the Bible calls “ministry”. God has called and equipped each believer by His Holy Spirit to a unique “ministry”.

• Ministry = “God’s personal call on every single believer’s life to prayerfully and with preparation advance His Kingdom wherever we are & wherever He sends…”

Two Kinds of Ministry:

1. Positional Ministry (some): Some are called by God to hold certain positions in churches and para-churches where we have the privilege of leading others in specific ministry positions. Examples: elder, deacon, ministry director, staff, para-church worker, missionary, etc…

2. Personal Ministry (all): Every believer is given a personal ministry from God that includes our immediate sphere of influence.

• Sphere of Influence = Our neighbors, coworkers, immediate & extended family, employees at businesses we frequent, and generally anyone we rub shoulders with on a consistent basis. Here are some questions to help you discern your “sphere”:

1. What unbelievers has God put in my life on a weekly basis?
2. What unbelievers has God put in my immediate & extended family?
3. What unbelievers do I interact with in my neighborhood?
4. What believers has God put in my life that are really struggling or just need help & I have the ability to help?

The LIKELY problem with your “personal ministry”:

The likely problem with your ministry is that it is “reactive” rather than “proactive and prepared”. Here’s the difference.

• Reactive Ministry: “Reactive ministry” simply responds to what may or may not happen to you at any given day and in any given place. If your path crosses with a non believer or a struggling believer, you will consider engaging them. These can be very meaningful, but are often sporadic and thus your effectiveness is…sporadic. (How terrible to stand before Jesus and have Him say, “Well done (ish). You were sporadically faithful.”

• Proactive Ministry: ”Proactive ministry” asks God consistently questions like these: “To where shall I go today? Whom shall I pray for? Will you keep me attentive to the needs around me? Lord, may I share the Gospel with unbelievers today? God will You save _______? God, will you stretch my faith today? Lord, what tough conversations do you want me to have this week? How can I love and encourage __________ this week?” You get the point. It is thoughtful, prepared, proactive. The proactive believer understands they are not here first to work, but to “seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness…” (Matt 6:33) 

If your personal ministry is proactive and prepared, you will answer “yes” to some or most of the following questions:

1. Do I pray daily or weekly for a group of non-believers in my life?
2. Which unbelievers am I praying for?
3. Do I start off my day asking God for opportunities to further His Kingdom?
4. Do I consistently ask God for wisdom as to how and when He wants me to share my faith with family, co-workers, or neighbors?
5. What struggling believers am I praying for?
6. Do I come to church to serve and be served, or simply to just be served and take from what the church gives me that morning?

Personal ministry is most often forfeited through selfishness, distractedness, laziness, & worldliness…

Three Stages of “Biblical” Love for High School Students (& Adults) Pt. 2 (things to consider in love & sex)

(Part 2 from back in the day – This is a bit of what we talked about in Breanne’s Wheaton Academy class last week)

Agape

As friendships deepen over time and testing, we start to experience the beginning of agape love with someone else. Agape is a commitment to one another that transcends physical intimacy.  It is a love that is devoted to someone else simply on the basis of who God made them to be, not what they can give back to us.  This kind of love forgives wounds, works through junk, and sacrifices.

This kind of love compels a spouse to stay with their paraplegic spouse after a tragic accident, an adult child to care for their aging and sometimes needy parents, and a parent to joyfully endure raising a child with very special needs. Agape love is God’s gift to friends and family who stick together over time and through testing, even when they get very little from the relationship.  Marriages don’t lose agape love without first losing their philia love.

Eros

Finally, God has given us the amazing gift of eros love.  God intended this to be experienced only in a relationship with someone whom:

1.  is of the opposite sex
2.  you have a deep and growing philia love
3.  you have a deep & growing agape love, and
4.  you decide to commit to for the rest of your life in marriage.

When this aspect of love is re-positioned to first or second place, less than positive things begin to happen – knowingly or unknowingly.  God did not intend for eros love to be used in any context outside of marriage – a lifelong relationship built on philia and agape.  Let me illustrate.

Oxytocin

God made women awesome! A great example of this is the chemical oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that a woman’s body releases in large doses during certain experiences. This hormone is released to create strong emotional bonds between the woman and someone else during these experiences, hence its nickname “the cuddle hormone”.  Specifically, oxytocin is released in high doses in women during the following three experiences:

1.  at birth creating a deep emotional connection towards her newborn baby,
2.  during breast-feeding which re-establishes continually a deep emotional connection toward her little one, and
3.  during sexual acts, especially orgasm, creating a deep and ongoing emotional connection to her sexual partner.

Amazing! And guys wonder why girls start acting clingy when they start getting physical. They are created this way. This helps explain why when young girls experience eros love before philia or agape, they say things like, “He really loves me!”, or “He would never hurt me!”. Both of these are lies the young girl unwittingly believes. The guy usually does not love her and will in fact hurt her, despite his good intentions.

It is also a sad thing when a woman can give away her sexuality and quench the God-created emotional connection toward her sexual partner(s). Women were never created to do this anymore more than a car is created to run on jet fuel.

This is a great case for 1. a passionate ongoing sexual relationship in marriage as it is God’s ongoing gift to keep a marriage strong and connected. Eros love deepens a couples philia and agape love for one another thus creating a more passionate eros love in their relationship. And 2. this is a great case for the place of sex as a re-connecting agent in distant marriages.

When marriages are struggling deeply, though, the answer is NOT simply more sex.  Often times couples need to revisit their philia love, which in time will re-deepen their fading agape love, which will culminate in a healthy and connected eros love.

Eros is the easiest love to “get our hands on’ if you will; to experience quickly. Philia and agape take time and self-sacrifice. God has not created you to give someone eros who hasn’t first found you worthy of philia and agape. When you get eros first, you get “the goods” without laying any lasting relational foundation.  It’s not “friends with benefits” but simply “benefits without friendship” and counter our emotional wiring.

Has your dating relationship or friendship re-ordered philia, agape, or eros love from God’s intended order? Is your marriage struggling in any of these areas? Struggle in one area ALWAYS affects the others.